Parents Corner
RAISE A THANKFUL CHILD
and be grateful you did!
By Grace Bennett
How many times have you done it lately: prompted your child
to say thank you to a neighbor, a friend, or Grandma? It's natural
to want to raise a thankful child, and those little reminders
to say thanks never hurt. But the latest thinking about kids
and gratitude is that you need to nurture this life skill while
keeping your child's development in mind. There's no such thing
as an unappreciative preschooler, because young kids "don't
understand the concept of gratitude in the way that adults do,"
says Julie A. Riess, Ph.D., the director of the Wimpfheimer
Nursery school at Vassar College in Poughkeepsie, New York.
Even 5 and 6 year olds are only starting to grasp that please
and thank you are more than magic words that please Mommy and
Daddy.
When you begin to feel a bit hurt or angry because your child
isn't gracious to you or others, bear in mind that all kids
start out being self-centered. "It's normal and natural
for young kids to believe everyone in the world exists exclusively
for their benefit," says Deborah Spaide, the author of
Teaching Your Kids to Care (Citadel Press). "Thankfulness
is just not part of their job description," say quips.
"Before age 7 children developmentally have difficulty
understanding how other people feel or that their own actions
affect others," explains Neri Wallace, a child and family
Therapist and directors of the Heights Center for Adult and
Child Development in Brooklyn. "Empathy is a cornerstone
of appreciation, and it takes years before children are able
t think beyond their own wants and needs."
Growing feelings of gratitude
Gratitude is a social grace that takes years to develop - and
that many adults have yet to master. Thankfully, there are many
ways that caring and concerned parents can raise their preschoolers
to become more appreciative and to show it. Because these strategies
take children's development into account, they are realistic,
too.
Show your children that you're thankful for them
Children don't come into the world hardwired to be appreciative:
They learn this over time, notes Wallace. Before kids can show
concern for other's feelings she explains, they have to feel
loved and cared for: "Loving attention enables them to
develop empathy."
Beside TLC, you can cultivate gratitude by tuning children into
the pleasure of being appreciated. For instance, you might tell
your daughter, "I'm so happy to have a little girl like
you," to express how thankful you are to have her in your
life.
Be appreciative yourself
Do unto others as you expect your kids to do unto you - and
everyone else. Children are apt to do as we do, not as we say,
says Wallace. Particularly for those who are not yet talking,
"modeling is the best way to teach social conventions so
they can be internalized," adds Dr. Riess, who points out
that her nursery school staff never prompts kids to say please
and thank you, but always models manners. Since your actions
are such a strong shaper of your children's habits, make sure
you shower your spouse and other people with thanks for thoughtful
gestures.
Let your children know you're grateful for what they do
Also essential to raising a more thankful child is to praise
any empathetic impulses (such as a toddler offering his cherished
blankie to a crying baby) and to let a child know when his actions
have made someone happy, says Wallace. Margaret Wiginton, the
mother of two, always acknowledges considerate things her daughters
say and do. She'll thank 3-year-old Maggie for bringing her
a toy or exclaim to 5-year-old Emily "Thanks for drawing
me such a beautiful picture. I love it!" And her efforts
seem to be paying off. "My youngest still has to be reminded
to say thank you, but Emily usually remembers on her own."
Don't demand thanks
Instead of scolding or shaming a child when he isn't courteous
or grateful, praise him when he is. Tell your son, "I like
it when you say thank you," if he expresses gratitude for
a gift. "You slowly build a skill with positive reinforcement,"
says Wallace. Don't command your child to be courteous ("Thank
Aunt Sue for the block set right now!") or withhold a gift
or goodie if he doesn't say thank you. "Gratitude shouldn't
stem from shame or fear of punishment," Wallace explains.
While gentle reminders (What do you say?") can help preschoolers
learn courtesy, Wallace says the best way to teach thankfulness
is to demonstrate considerate behavior and include your children
in the effort. For instance, you might say to your 3 year-old,
"Let's both say thank you to Aunt Sue for bringing you
the block set." If your son doesn't join in, don't force
the issue. Simply tell Aunt Sue, "Michael doesn't feel
like talking right now, but I'm sure he'll love your wonderful
birthday present." Later, when Michael is playing with
the blocks, explain that it makes people feel good when you
thank them for gifts. Eventually, as your child matures and
doesn't see the world exclusively through his own eyes, he'll
more often think of others and express his gratitude to them.
Consider the reasons behind ungrateful behavior
If your preschooler is hungry, upset or tired, it's not fair
to expect her to be a well-mannered companion, says Suzette
Haden Elgin, Ph.D., the author of The Gentle Art of Communicating
With Kids (John Willey & Sons). In fact, an overtired child
can feel every bit as confused and upset by her poor behavior
as you do.
Also take your child's temperament into account
"Some kids are more talkative than others and therefore
more likely to say thank you," Wallace points out. For
a reserved child, a smile may speak louder than words.
Remember, kids say what's on their minds. While adults have
learned that good manners make for good relationships, impulsive
preschoolers are apt to blurt out whatever comes to mind. For
instance, two years ago, when Wallace gave her niece Megan two
fashion dolls, the little girl announced, "I hate these
dolls!" instead of saying thanks.
In this situation, a mortified mom's first instinct may be to
reprimand a child for being rude. But this will humiliate a
disappointed child and make her feel guilty, not grateful, according
to Wallace. To soothe the feelings of a crestfallen gift giver,
you might generalize about children's behavior, as Megan's mom
did: "Kids this age say what they're thinking, don't they!
Thank you so much for Megan's gift."
As for your own feelings, keep in mind that an embarrassing
display of ingratitude is likely to be a product of your child's
developmental stage, not a reflection of your parenting abilities,
says Dr. Riess. In fact, consider such a display a chance to
teach your child a lesson in thankfulness, she suggests. When
you're alone, explain to her that no matter what someone gives
her, she should always say thank you, because it's the thought
that counts. With preschoolers, leave it at that. With older
kids, encourage - don't force- them to make amends for ungrateful
behavior with a thank-you card or call.
Role-play appreciation
Take advantage of a preschooler's love of pretend play to act
out different scenarios with teddy bears in which a thank-you
is required. With older kids, try sitting down before a birthday
or holiday and rehearsing how to receive an unappealing gift
graciously. Ask, "What would you say if you got something
you didn't like?" If nothing comes to mind, practice responses
that convey gratitude without faking enthusiasm, such as "Thank
you so much!"
Establish year-round family rituals
that promote feelings of gratitude
Thanksgiving isn't the only time you should encourage children
to count their blessings. "On Sunday evenings we go around
the dinner table and each take turns saying what we're thankful
for, says Elizabeth Ellis, Ph.D., the author of Raising a Responsible
Child and the mother of an 8-year-old and a 13 -year -old. This
kind of ritual helps foster in children an awareness and appreciation
of what they have, Dr. Ellis says. It also encourages them to
be grateful for everyday things, such as a trip to the park.
Embrace a less-is-more philosophy
If your child's room resembles a toy store, such overabundance
may dull his sense of appreciation. "The excitement of
getting a toy or a treat is dampened when receiving becomes
routine," Dr. Elgin explains. To avoid toy overload, Margaret
Wiginton asks relatives to give her daughters practical gifts
like clothing on holidays. And if they get a mountain of toys
at their birthday parties, she says, "I put some away for
another time so my kids don't take for granted. This way, each
gift seems special and is more valued."
If your kids always seem to want more no matter who much they
have, you may need to point out that not getting everything
one wants is simply part of life, otherwise, children come to
believe they're entitled to all they have and more, and that
attitude circumvents any feelings of gratitude. Of course, make
sure your actions don't contradict your words, warns Dr. Riess.
If your closets are crammed with clothes or you can't resist
the latest gadgets, don't be surprised if your children constantly
clamor for new toys.
Encourage your children to pitch in and help others
They will not only learn how good it feels to give but also
develop empathy and gain a better appreciation of other people's
needs. Kids of any age can assist you in bringing meals to shut-ins,
sorting through clothes to donate to charity, and visiting people
in nursing homes. Be sure to explain that all people are needy
in different ways, so we need to pitch in and give one another
a helping hand. For instance, you might tell preschoolers that
some people in nursing homes are lonely because their kids live
far away, and that your visits will cheer them up.
Sharing experiences like these makes children feel important
and moves their focus from themselves to others, says Deborah
Spaide, who is also the founder of Kids Care Clubs, a nonprofit
organization that involves children in a host of community service
projects. (For Spaide's suggestions on ways you and your kids
can help others, log onto www.familycares.org.)
By nurturing thankfulness in your children you'll see their
gratitude grow. Indeed, by the time your tots turn into teens,
they're likely to feel and show appreciation. In a 1998 Gallup
Youth Survey, 40 percent on teenagers aged 13 to 17 said they
make a point of expressing thanks all the time, and 56 percent
said they did this at least occasionally. For now, consider
your kids' spontaneous hugs and kisses a measure of their gratitude
for all that they have and all that you do.
Other useful resources
Drew Bledsoe of the New England Patriots has
established the Drew Bledsoe Foundation Parenting
With Dignity program. Bledsoe says
of his success "my parents helped me the
most to be what I am today" and his goal
is to help other parents give their children
the best possible start. For more information,
see http://www.drewbledsoe.com/.
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